


Sunlight Through the Flags

by Shadaras



Series: Dare to Live [4]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Gen, Mending friendships, past abusive relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-01
Updated: 2017-06-01
Packaged: 2018-11-07 18:05:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11064327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadaras/pseuds/Shadaras
Summary: The one where Kara talks to James and it's hard.(But that's the way to healing. That's the way to things being better.)





	Sunlight Through the Flags

**Author's Note:**

> I understand why it is this way, but it's still annoying that the official canonical character tag for James is 'Jimmy Olsen', not 'James Olsen' or even 'James "Jimmy" Olsen'.

CatCo employees theoretically went home at 5pm. Most of them even managed that, so when Kara stepped into James’ office at quarter past six in the evening, they were the only two people Kara knew for sure were in the office. A handful of people were heading for the elevators out, looking forward to their evening plans, but James was still staring intently at his computer.

Kara cleared her throat, awkwardly. This was why she hadn’t wanted to do this. She’d be interrupting something, even if it _was_ after the end of the workday, and that wasn’t a good way to start off pretty much anything. But she was here, and they were pretty much alone, and she wasn’t—she couldn’t hide from James forever.

At the sound, James startled, looking up abruptly. “Wh—Kara?”

“Hi,” Kara said. She swung her bag in front of her, a pretense of protection. “Um, I didn’t mean to startle you.”

James smiled at her briefly before looking at the clock on his desk. “Is it really this late?”

“Yes?”

He ran a hand over his face. “Jesus. I’d only meant to spend maybe half an hour finishing things up. Let me save this and close everything down before I forget I meant to, okay?”

“Okay,” Kara repeated. She sat down on one of the chairs in his office, watching him mutter quietly as he shut down his computer and the muted screens making up the back wall of his office. She could see the tiny limp in his left leg, and the way he winced when he stretched his right arm out too far, and if she tried she could probably find bruises all over his skin, same as on Alex’s. She didn’t look. She just said, “I know you’ve got a lot going on, but don’t overwork yourself.”

“I don’t usually stay this late.” He closed the blinds on the windows and turned towards her. His lips twitched up into a smile. “That isn’t what you came here to ask about, is it?”

Kara looked down at her hands and told herself to relax her death grip on her bag. “I mean, it was a little.” She didn’t look up when James’ footsteps came closer, or when he paused close enough that he could probably touch her if he tried. He didn’t. He just sat in the other chair, next to her. It creaked as he sat, and so did he, though she didn’t think he’d notice. Before she could think about why she was paying that much attention to James’ well-being, Kara said, “You remember how I said we should talk later?”

James took a quick breath, and then let it out slowly. She’d surprised him. “Yeah,” he said, voice almost normal. “Is it later now?”

“I don’t know.” Kara looked up at James. He had a lot of practice at keeping his face neutral and pleasant, but beneath that she could see tension. Tiredness. Kara sighed. “I don’t know if now, after a long day, is the right time.”

James laughed. “Kara, between CatCo and our extracurriculars, do you think it’ll ever _not_ be a long day?”

Kara closed her eyes. “I guess not.”

“So, let’s just do this now.” He paused. “Unless you have a reason why not.”

“I—” Kara swallowed. “I really don’t.”

James waited, quiet and patient. He was good at that, at making sure that there was space in interactions for others to feel safe and welcome and heard. She wasn’t certain, but Kara guessed that was why her cousin had become such good friends with him. It was certainly why she had. There was no sense of expectation radiating off him; his breathing was even and his heartbeat calm.

Finally, Kara said, “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t need to be,” James said, very gently.

Kara opened her eyes, blinking back the first threat of tears welling up. “But I do. I—I told you no, because I wanted to find myself. And what have I done instead?” She shook her head and laughed a little. It sounded more like an abortive croak than she wished it did. “I’ve lost myself even more.”

“Hey, hey.” James reached out, and hesitated before he touched her, meeting her eyes and moving slowly until his hands came to rest, solid and warm, on her shoulders. “You meant it, when you said it, right?”

Kara nodded. His touch was an anchor. He meant it to be that, she thought. He could be holding more of the weight of his arms than he was, but instead he was letting her carry it all.

“It hasn’t been easy, seeing you with him, and wondering if—if there was something wrong with _me_.” His breath caught on the words. There was a rote quality to them, too, like he’d been repeating them, trying to find the right ones. Slowly, Kara lifted one of her hands from its death grip around her bag’s handle, and set it on James’. “I’ve thrown myself into CatCo because I needed to, and I’ve thrown myself into Guardian because I wanted to but... there’s always this nagging thought of _Why wasn’t I good enough?_ Cat saw my potential, and that’s…” James smiled, but it wasn’t a real smile, not shining with life and joy and self-assurance the way his smiles normally were. Kara tightened her fingers around his. “It’s a blessing that I’ve been given so rarely. People see my skin and don’t look any deeper.”

“Rao’s light, James.” Kara shifted her bag to the floor. “I—I’m sorry. I don’t want—” She broke off, and shook her head. “You’re wonderful. And more people should recognise that. I’ll—I’d go on a crusade for you, like for the aliens, if you wanted me to, but I don’t think you want that from me.” She swallowed, managed a smile as brittle and unreal as James’. “And there’s never been a problem with you.” Even the fake smile shattered then, and Kara bit her lip. “Just with me.”

“There’s nothing wrong with _you_ ,” James protested. “And if he made you feel that way, then _he’s_ wrong.” He drew gently on her hand, eyes questioning, and Kara let him pull her into a hug. He smelled like paper and laundry detergent and _safety_. Kara swallowed back the tears burning in her eyes. Quietly, right by her ear, he said, “I’ll punch him for you, if you wanted and we could find him.”

Kara let out a burst of startled laughter and wrapped her arms around him; a living, breathing, life-line.. She didn’t squeeze, because his huff of breath meant she was already holding tight enough. “If you see him, you can punch him.”

“Good.”

Kara breathed with him, eyes closed, for most of a minute, letting her tears fade. “I kept wondering if I barely saw you because we were both so busy, or if there was something else going on,” she admitted. “I spent a lot of time with him, and I know that didn’t help, but...”

James sighed. His hand, which had been rubbing slow circles across her back, stopped moving, tensing on her shoulder. “Your job meant you had to be out of the office. Mine meant I had to be here.” He shrugged, and sat back a little. A fleeting smile, almost real, but sad, crossed his face. “And at night, it’s not like Supergirl and Guardian worked together either.”

“Not working together can’t be everything.”

“No,” James said. He slipped out of Kara’s arms and sat back. “It isn’t everything, but it’s something, and it’s an easy excuse to make.”

Kara pulled her feet up onto the edge of her chair and wrapped her arms around her legs. Quietly, she asked, “What was it an excuse for?”

James rubbed at his face. “Being scared and hurt and kind of angry, I guess? You’d said you needed some space, and then you found him, and I just... didn’t want to know where we stood, because I was your boss and needed to be that as well as your friend, so I didn’t want to know about your boyfriend.”

Kara pressed her face into her knees, breathing in and out slow and deep. The bitterness in James’ voice hurt, but it was no more than she deserved, after all the months that had passed. “I’m sorry,” she said again, voice muffled by her legs.

“I wish I’d seen things sooner, I guess. And it’s not all on you. And what was on you...” The pause stretched longer than Kara expected, and ended in another sigh. “I think you’ve got enough weight to bear, Kara. It’s okay. You don’t need to hold on to this too—and if you’re going to anyway, please don’t do it for my sake.”

Kara nodded, as best she could. The numbness inside of her chest hadn’t gone away. She didn’t think it would anytime soon. The gentle way James had said that, though, was a benediction she didn’t deserve. The easy way he was accepting that some of it was his fault, though...

She swallowed, and said, before she could think better of it, “I missed you.”

James’ heartbeat sped up. His breath paused, momentarily, and came back with a hitch in it. “I missed you too,” he said, and there are as many tears in those words as Kara knew there had been in hers.

“We’re still friends.”

“Yes.”

“Good,” Kara said. And then, again, more quietly, trying to get herself to believe it, “Good.”

The humming of electronics all around them was familiar. Comforting.

The creak of James’ chair as he stood up was sudden and startling. Kara looked up at James at his offered hand. He said, “We’ll make it through this.”

Kara took his hand, and let him pull her onto her feet. “Yes,” she said, a promise that hadn’t been a promise until she said the word, but which dropped into her core and shook the foundations of numbness and shadows that wanted to set up residence there. She smiled at James, and maybe it was small but it was true. “We can do this.”

He smiled back at her, sunlight and warmth, and it was almost terrifying how much she wanted to lean into James’ arms when he looked at her like that, with all the faith and assurance that he could so easily muster. He said, “I’ll support you in whatever you do, Kara.”

“I know,” Kara said, and this time she didn’t try to stop the tears prickling at her eyes. “I know.”


End file.
